I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
