Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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