Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
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Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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