if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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