Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
