my phone needs a breathalizer
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
