either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
So squirting runs in the family.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
