A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
