Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
