It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
