alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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