sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
