I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
