end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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