did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
