had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
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I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
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That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
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