I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
