Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
