He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Well I just put wine in my tea
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
