nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
