I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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