Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
