I wish I only lived at night.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
