the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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