when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
