i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
