you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
