Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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