I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
