onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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