I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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