he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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