so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
