I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
