I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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