Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
