I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
