I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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