Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
