Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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