I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
