woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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