WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
