i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
