Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
