Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
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I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
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If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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