I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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