I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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