The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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