and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
