i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
