When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
