I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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