community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
