I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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