I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
